Horsefeathers
by Elryne
Summary: It's just a little story about Saya and Haji. It ain't serious. It's just a spoof of the real anime. Everyone must be tired of the serious relationship thing, right?  or not...  But please read!
1. Chapter 1

_I decided on trying to make something again. I was inspired, actually. I was inspired to make this fanfic because of Dilly-Oh's parodies in Blood Plus, one which he entitled 'Blood Minus'. (You should try reading it. Seriously. You'll soon find yourself rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically.)_

_I don't think this one would be very original, but I tried my best making my own jokes. You have to believe me._

_I hope you'd enjoy reading this._

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"How about we play 'Kick Haji in the Ass'?" Saya suggested.

"Ooh, me!" Haji raised his hand and waved it excitedly. "Me! I want to play!"

Saya gazed at him ominously.

Haji paused. "But who'll be the 'it'?" he asked.

"Why, I'll give you the _honor _of being the 'it'!" Saya said sweetly.

"Yay me!" Haji clapped his hands in glee. "I'm the 'it'! I'm the 'it'!" he sang like the complete idiot that he was. Then he stopped and looked at Saya curiously. "But what does the 'it' do in the game?"

"He gets his ass kicked by me," Saya replied.

"Oh." Haji paused for a moment. Then he continued to dance like an idiotic kid.

"Now come over here so I could kick your ass…" Saya growled.

Haji stopped jumping. He stared at Saya. "My…ass?"

"Yes," Saya said calmly. "Your ass. Now come over here so I could kick your damned ass."

"But—"

"COME HERE!"

"But I don't want to," Haji whimpered.

"Haji," Saya began calmly. "It's either you come here right now or I'll _make _you."

There was a moment of silence.

"Is that…is that a trick question?" Haji asked nervously, sweating. "Can I have another hint?"

"Haji, if you don't get your goddamned ass here, I'll—"

"Oh look how late it is!" Haji exclaimed, glancing at his wrist. "My, how time flies by so quickly! And right when you're _enjoying _it."

"You don't _have _a watch, Haji," Saya pointed out flatly to her brainless Chevalier. "And it's early."

"Is that another trick question?"

"Gaahh!" Saya screamed and picked up a rock, throwing it fiercely at Haji. "Die, you imbecile! DIE!"

The rock merely flew past Haji, inches from his head.

"Ha! Missed me!" Haji cried out and leaped to the wall.

"Wait 'till I get my hands on you!" Saya snarled.

"You can't get me! You can't get me!" Haji sang.

A mailbox flew past him. And then there was a plant, but it missed. And then a chair followed but it also missed. Eventually, a desk came flying at him not any sooner, but it missed as well.

"Hey, where'd you get that?" Haji asked.

"Oh, this?" Saya was holding an old lady in the air and was about to throw her at him. "Beats me." She shrugged.

"Are you my lost granddaughter Susana?" the old lady asked in her frail voice.

-ns-

"Ha!" Haji cried in mockery. "I'm sorry but were you even _aiming _at me?" he jeered.

"Damn bastard," Saya growled.

Haji stuck out his tongue. "You can't ge—"

Suddenly, a cat flew straight at his face. Haji screamed like a girl. "Gaaahh! A feral cat! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off!"

In his panic, he fell off the wall. The cat clung to his face tightly, its claws digging into Haji's flesh.

"Get it off!" Haji blindly ran around, waving his arms wildly. He occasionally bumped into things like walls and posts. Frantically, he tried to rip the cat off but the feline just clung to him tighter. "Ahhh! My eyes! Its claws are in MY EYES!"

"Serves you right," Saya muttered, dusting her clothes. She turned to leave. "Dumbass…"

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_Dilly-Oh. If you happened to read this, I have to personally thank you. I'm sorry if ever you were annoyed or pissed off with what I've made._

_Reviews, please!_


	2. Chapter 2

_It's a continuation of the first part if you're still willing to read it._

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"I'm okay…" Haji said weakly. "Just…a few deep wounds is all…" He got unsteadily to his feet, and blinked, wiping the stream of blood from his eyes. "Hey, wait for me!" he cried, catching up with Saya.

Saya studied him closely. "In all honesty," she said. "I think you look better when your face is distorted."

"Really?" Haji asked. "Maybe I should just stay like this forever."

"On second thought," Saya continued. "I'd still rather look at a monster than look at you."

"Then perhaps I _am _the monster." Haji pushed his hair back.

"Eww." Saya curled her lips in disgust and quickened her steps.

"Where are you going?" Haji asked. "And why the rush?"  
"I'm trying to get away from _you_," Saya replied.

"Am I that bad?" Haji inquired, running up to her side. "I mean, am I too _hot _for you?"

Saya stopped walking and glared at him. "What?"

"Maybe you're _way _out of my league," Haji continued.

"Say that again and I'll crack your face," Saya growled.

"Which? Me being too hot or you being out of my—" Haji wasn't able to continue since at that moment, Saya punched him directly in the face.

"I was just giving options…" Haji muttered sulkily, holding his crushed, bleeding nose.

"Leave me alone!" Saya snapped, walking away as quickly as possible.

"I was just kidding!" Haji cried, running up once again to her side.

They walked in silence.

"Hey, I know!" Haji beamed. "How about we play 'I Spy'?"

"Shut up," Saya muttered.

"Okay then," Haji said, ignoring what she said. He thought hard and looked around. "I know! I spy with my little eye, something, er, _someone_ who has short, black air—and not to mention a short temper—and who's wearing a ridiculous uniform which _certainly _does not suit her. Did I mention that she's annoying?"

"Haji, if that be me, I'm going to rip your throat off," Saya replied.

"Fine, fine," Haji said hastily. "I'll change it. Sheesh." He thought hard. "How about someone who's tall, handsome and _sexy_?"

"If you're referring to yourself, you'd be wise to change it."

"Oh so you think _I'm _tall, handsome and sexy!" Haji exclaimed.

Saya kicked him in the crotch. Haji dropped to the ground and curled into a ball. "'Just verifying!" he said weakly to Saya as she walked away.

-ns-

A few moments later, the irritating, idiotic Chevalier was once again beside Saya. While they walked, Haji had begun blabbering about stupid experiences and the like, though Saya wasn't paying much attention.

"…So I was like 'Duh! You're so brainless!', and he said, 'It's you who's brainless 'cause you forgot!' Wasn't he an idiot for saying that to me?"

"First of all," Saya began. "He was right because you _are _an idiot. Why'd you leave the stove on when no one else was there?"

"Well…" Haji thought for a moment. "That's because the concoction needed a bit more cooking?" It was more of a question than a statement.

"What did I do to deserve this?" Saya sighed, rubbing her temples.

"Which? Me?" Haji intervened. "Aren't I just right for you?"

"It's either you leave me _right now _or I'll smack you," Saya growled.

"…Are there any other choices?"

SMACK!

"I was just asking…" Haji whimpered, holding his swollen-red cheek.

-ns-

Later, they (thankfully) arrived at the house. Saya searched for the keys in her purse. Again, Haji appeared by her side.

"I'll help you!" he offered cheerfully.

"Stay away," Saya snapped.

"Geez." Haji stared at the large bundle of keys in Saya's hands. "Why do you have so many keys anyway?"  
"They're for the cupboards and the refrigerator," Saya answered, fitting a key through the doorknob.

"Let me guess. You put locks on them 'cause those are where you keep your food. Am I right?"

"Shut up," Saya said, irritated.

Haji watched Saya in silence. Then he soon grew impatient when Saya still couldn't find the right key. "Why don't you just kick the door open? It works in the movies."

"No. That would be stupid."

"But why?"

"Shut up."

"Here. I'll show you!"

"No, Haji! Don't—"

But it was too late. Haji had forcefully kicked on the door, sending it to crash down on the floor noisily.

"—kick the door…" Saya finished. She glared at Haji. "HAJI!"

"Whoops," Haji whispered. "He did it!" he cried, pointing at a butterfly which landed on his shoulder. "He told me to do it. _HONEST!_"

"Haji…" Saya ground out through gritted teeth. "Put the door back to the way it was before."

"But—"

"FIX THE EFFIN' DOOR!"

"But it was the butterfly's fault…" Haji said in a small, frightened voice.

"Haji," Saya began calmly. "Do you want us to play 'Kick Haji in the Ass'? Only this time, I'd break every single bone in your body _after _I kick your butt." She started to crack her knuckles, each crack making Haji flinch.

Haji gulped. "I, uh…still want to live," he said quietly.

"Good," Saya said, her anger suddenly cooling off. "Now hurry up and fix the door."

"Alright…" Haji bent down to pick the door up.

"But let me past first," Saya said, stepping past him. As she did, she intentionally stepped on Haji's hand.

"Oww!" Haji yelped in pain. "Hey! That hurt!"

"Sorry," Saya apologized with a sly smile.

"Don't worry. It was worth it 'cause I saw under your skirt," Haji stated, smiling as well.

Saya frowned.

"Ha! I beat you in that, didn't I?" Haji scoffed. He was later left by the doorstep, a bright, red sandal-print on his forehead.

Haji held his swelling forehead. "Oh well. I saw under her skirt again so it's no problem at all!" He whistled a merry tune as he tried to fit the door to its place.

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_Review please!_


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